यादों, पछतावों, भूलों का ये भंवरजाल,
निगलने को आतुर फाड़े सुरसा सा मुख ,
अंधकूप के अथाह अंधकार से
वो आर्तनाद, करुण क्रंदन,
शुन्य को चीरता वो निस्पंदन,
व्यथा भी खुद से व्यथित,
तब भी तो ना हुई द्रवित.
दुःख सुख के दो अकथित छोर,
जीवन के छिर सागर का मंथन,
किया अमृत औ' गरल का पान,
छलित दमित सारा मान-अभिमान.
अंधकूप से दिखता टुकड़ा सा नीला आसमां,
मन की तृष्णा ने दी बांहें पसार,
चाही कहीं से करुणा व प्रेम उधार,
थाम जो ले चले दूर भवसागर पार.
Its well written. But I have a suggestion. Since you have a good vocabulary of Hindi, you can use them at your own expense. Generally while writing we tend to get exhaustive with our words. I used to do that too. For a good written piece, the constant waves of simplicity to ease the tension of the words is quite critical. The last stanza works well in terms of expression and the choice of words.
ReplyDeletethanks, beta... thoughts, ideas recur as like waves after waves in the vast ocean of mind which sometimes put me in a state of confusion as how to adorn them and pen them down explicitly...... I will try to follow your suggestion
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